


The Safeword is Beethoven

by americalovesthecockpit



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: America's POV, Crack, M/M, Rape/Non-con References, Smut, WTF, lulz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-19
Updated: 2012-06-19
Packaged: 2017-11-08 02:52:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/438331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/americalovesthecockpit/pseuds/americalovesthecockpit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Did you know there's an actual city in Austria called Fucking? When America finds out, he and England go try to steal the city sign. But Prussia has an idea for an epic trolling, and things get accidentally noncon-y. America/Austria and UKUS.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Safeword is Beethoven

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: Although it’s played off as more of a joke, this story technically contains non-con / rape / whatever you want to call it. Just wanted to give y’all a warning because I know that squicks some people.
> 
> It is a humor story though … so yeah.
> 
> Anyway, this fic was for CosmicKitten89, whose idea this originally was. Enjoy the craziness! 
> 
> And yeah, this is my banned fic. It was at fanfiction.net but they deleted it and banned me for a week for it! :O
> 
> (America’s POV for the lulz.)

“Did you know there’s a place called Dildo in Canada? !”

There was a pause on the other end of the phone line and finally England said, “… hello to you too, America.”

Oh yeah. Probably should have said hello first. That’s generally how those things go. But oh well! I was too excited about Dildo!

“Seriously, England! It’s called Dildo! Pffft!” I was cracking up. “Can you believe that? DILDO!”

“Yeah, I heard you the first time …”

“Dildo is in Canada … hehehe …. Get it? IN CANADA? It’s IN him? ! Pfftchhpffft ...” I snickered.

England was not amused. “And you’re calling and telling me this, why?”

“BECAUSE IT’S FUNNY!” I said. “Canada loves Dildo! Also I need you give me his number so I can call him and tease him about it.”

Oh God, it was gonna be so funny! I was gonna call him up and be like “Hey you like Dildo, right?” and he’ll of course say yes! LOL! And then I’d be like “How big is Dildo?” And he’ll tell me it in miles instead of inches! HAHAHAHA! And then I’ll ask “How long has Dildo been in you?” and he’ll say for years and I will ROTFL all over the place.

“You don’t know your own brother’s phone number?” bitched England.

“No, I forgot it,” I said. “So you gotta give it to me.”

“Um …” England hesitated. “… actually … I forgot it too.”

HAHAHA! Everyone always forgets Canada. Sucks to be him!

England sighed. “This reminds me of when France teases me for having a place called Nob End. I never hear the end of it.”

“NOB END? ! HAHAHAHA!”

England didn’t sound nearly as excited as me for some reason. “God, I’m so sick of him asking to see my Nob End, or telling me it looks lovely today, or asking to come –“

“BAHAHAHA — dude, England! I’m gonna piss myself laughing so hard!”

“Of course, the best is Fucking.”

“HAHAHA — oh.” Oops. Just then a little pee came out. Just a little! That’ll be our little secret, okay? “Fucking?”

“Yes. Fucking, Austria.”

“Who’s fucking Austria?”

“Fucking, Austria — a place in Austria.”

“Um, well I assumed the place they were fucking was in the ass, but you didn’t tell me who!”

“Austria!”

“No, who’s fucking Austria? !”

“It’s Fucking, Austria!”

“WHO IS? !”

“I told you! It’s Fucking, Austria!”

“WHO? !”

This went on and on and it was like I was doing an owl impersonation with all that WHO-ing. Also like the worst “Who’s on first?” parody ever, and to be honest I was doing that on purpose, hehe. Don’t tell England!

“They have a sign with the name on it on the town limits,” said England when we finally stopped doing that bit. “Many people have tried to steal it. Including me, a couple times whilst I was drinking.”

“Oh. My. God. England, I must have that Fucking sign.”

“It’s almost impossible to steal now,” said England. “It’s been stolen so many times. They take precautions now.”

“I don’t care. I’m getting that Fucking sign.”

“You can’t –“

“I’m booking a Fucking plane ticket now. I’m so going to that Fucking town and I’m getting that Fucking sign. Do you wanna come on my Fucking trip?”

“Ohh …” sighed England. “I don’t know. Usually I have to drink to want to do shenanigans like that anymore. Though a Fucking holiday does sound nice …”

“Yeah, dude. I’m sure there’s lots of Fucking things to do there. We could get some Fucking food, see the Fucking sights, stay at a nice Fucking hotel, the Fucking works, man.”

England sounded like he was thinking about it … “Fucking does sound nice, when you put it like that …”

“So it’s settled!” I said excitedly. “A Fucking we shall go!”  
X  
My Fucking plane arrived before England’s, so I went out on my own while I waited. I was gonna go ahead and find that Fucking sign. I just couldn’t wait to steal that Fucking thing! Because, dude. I MUST HAVE IT. I totally have the best place for it! Right above my racecar shaped bed. Yep, I’ll hang it there for anyone who has the privilege to be in my bedroom to see. And they’ll be like “Fucking? Why does it say that over your bed?” And I’ll be like DUH it’s my Fucking bed, you dummy.

Anyway it took a lot of time (I had to take a Fucking cab all over the place!) but finally I found that Fucking sign. I looked up at it. Just as promised, it said, ‘FUCKING.’ And I was like PFFFFT it really does say that! Haha! NOW GET IN MY SUITCASE.

I tried to lift the Fucking thing but it wouldn’t move! I tried a different angle and still nothing! I was using all my super strength and yet it just wouldn’t come out of the ground! What kind of Fucking magic sign posts were these? ! GRRR! STUPID FUCKING SIGN!

I was straining and going HNNNNGGGGHHH but still it just wouldn’t pop out of the Fucking ground! Finally I gave up and decided to wait for England like I was supposed to do anyway. But I was just so frustrated!

“Dumb Fucking, Austria!” I shouted as I kicked the sign. “You’re a stupid town in a stupid country! GRRR!”

I was so mad, you guys! I didn’t pay all that money on a Fucking plane ticket NOT to steal the Fucking sign, ya know? ! 

“Gosh darn it!” I exclaimed. “I hate you, Fucking, Austria! You and your stupid kangaroos!”

Where the heck was England? He better know how to get this sign out of the Fucking ground. But knowing him he’ll probably go to one of the Fucking stores to buy alcohol before he comes. And then he’ll be too drunk to help me think of good ideas!

I kept kicking the sign. “I hate this place! I’m totally gonna punch a koala just to piss you guys off!”

Suddenly I heard a sound. Someone else was there with me! I stopped punching the sign because I didn’t wanna get in trouble. I tried to make it look like I was petting it instead. 

“Aww, you’re such a cute sign!” I said it to, petting away. “Good sign! Good sign!”

“You like the Fucking sign, huh?”

I looked over and saw Prussia beside me, smirking. He had his hands on his hips, a little bird on his head, and a shit eating grin on his face.

“Oh, it’s just you.”

“JUST me? !” Prussia looked shocked! “It’s the AWESOME me! Don’t make that mistake again!”

Psssh. Prussia wishes he was as awesome as me. Everyone knows he’s old news. My awesomeness could wipe his off the map! Oh wait. History already did that for real. LOL BUUUUUUURN.

“Heavy petting the Fucking sign,” said Prussia, smirking. “Are you lonely, America?”

“WHAT! It’s not heavy petting …”

“Don’t be embarrassed! This is Fucking, you know. They named it that for a reason.”

“… for the lulz?”

“Even better.”

No way. No reason is better than for the lulz.

“Austria named it Fucking,” said Prussia. “He named it that because this is his personal Fucking space. He likes to fuck here.”  
I was shocked you guys! D:

Here I thought all Austria liked was kangaroos and koalas and boomerangs and going to Outback Steakhouse. Mmm yeah. I love their Bloomin’ Onions, hells yeah. Anyway, now I knew something new about him! Apparently he was a kinky freak! Because Prussia kept going … and I kept going :O

“Oh yeah. He’s kinky as hell,” Prussia continued. “He has rape fantasies — they’re his favorite. He loves being dominated by men.”

“HAHAHA WHAT?”

“Oh yes.” Why was Prussia snickering like that? “He loves nothing more than a big, strong man to bend him over his piano and fuck him so hard it knocks the thing out of tune for a week.”

“Daaaaaang …”

“Oh wow, you’re actually believing me? Okay … pfft … alright then.”

“Well, why wouldn’t I believe you? I mean you’re not lying, right?”

“Uh … suuuuure.” Prussia looked like he was trying to hold laughter back or something. “I vould never lie to someone about something like  
that.”

“Can … can I pet your bird?”

I reached up to pet that cute wittle thing but Prussia smacked my hand away. “Don’t get distracted! I’m here to tell you a plan. An awesome plan by an awesome planner!”

My plan was petting the hell out of that little bird. Because seriously. It was so cute! God I wanted give it some crackers or something so bad, Jesus friggin’ Christ! I was checking my pocket …

“You vant to steal that sign, don’tcha?” asked Prussia.

I pulled out a half-eaten bag of chips. Those low fat kind made with Olestra. You know. The kind that warn for sometimes causing anal leakage. (Gotta watch my boyish figure, y’all.) Those were my favorite! “How did you know that? !” I exclaimed.

“Well, it’s obvious. Everyone wants the Fucking sign. And I know the secret to getting it.”

I pulled out a chip. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, you see, Austria can be tricked into giving it to you. He’ll look the other vay on the stealing … if you make him happy first.”

I held out the chip for the little birdy. “Go on …” I said to both Prussia and his bird for different reasons.

“Fulfill his fantasy,” said Prussia with like a laughing kind of snort. “If – if you do, he’ll let you take the sign.”

“Go on wittle birdie … take the chippy … come on wittle guy, it’s a – WAIT WHAT? !”

Prussia suddenly made this face. The rapiest of rape-faces I’d ever witnessed. (Except maybe that time France was watching me eat this hot dog and then I dropped it and said THREE SECOND RULE and bent over … yeah, he made quite a rape-face then!)

“Oh yes …” said Prussia, with that look and totally creeping me out. “Dominate him … seize his vital regions … and he will repay you with the si … pffft, I’m sorry.” Prussia was laughing again. “I-I’m having a hard time keeping a straight face, haha …”

“Huh?”

“Sorry, sorry.” Prussia wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. “I just can’t believe you’re buying this – I mean, never mind, I’m good now. Vat was I saying?”

I was still holding the chip out but the bird wouldn’t take it. “He’ll let me take the sign if I have sex with him?”

“Oh, yeah! But not just any sex. He vants it brutal.”

Stupid bird. It wouldn’t take my chip! “EAT IT!” I yelled at it. “IT’S GOOD PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH!”

“He vants you to pretend you are raping him,” continued Prussia. “And he’ll play along too. He’ll fight back, probably yell things like ‘no’ and ‘stop’ and ‘why are you raping me?’ but that’s all part of his fantasy. He can’t get off unless he really feels like you’re forcing him … pffft …” Prussia covered his mouth at the end there .

“Dude, that’s messed up,” I said. “I don’t really wanna do that.”

“You vant the sign, don’t you? !”

“Well … yeah …”

“Then you’ll do it! Plus, it’s all an act. He actually does like it. If he vants you to stop, he’ll just say the safe vord.”

“What’s the safe word?”

“Beethoven.”

“Oh, like the dog!”

That ungrateful little bird still hadn’t taken my chip. So I rubbed the chip on its little bird face. “FREAKIN’ EAT IT! COME ON! OPEN YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH YOU LITTLE –“

“Hey!” Prussia pushed my hand away. “Are you listening to me? !”

My chip was now just crumbs and stuff because I’d rubbed it so hard on the bird’s face and it crumbled. “I guess!”

“Are you gonna do it?”

Hmmm. Decisions, decisions. I really didn’t feel like it. Rape seems like a lot of work. Even fake rape like this. But I did want that Fucking sign. I came all the way out here to get it, after all. I guess you gotta do what you gotta do …

I shrugged. “I guess I am.”

“Awesome.” There was that rape-face again. “Remember … no matter how hard he fights back, and no matter vat he says, he does vant it, okay? Unless he says the safe vord, keep going.”

“Alright, alright, I heard you first time …”

With that, he cackled and swaggered off. Yeah, swaggered. Y’all know Prussia’s got swagger, don’t even deny. And so does his bird.  
T  
he whole time he was leaving he was still cackling and muttering something about an “epic trolling.” But I was distracted, because his bird was making noise too, and it was almost like it was laughing too.

Did that damn bird troll me? ! God! All I wanted to do was pet it and feed it snacks! What a dick.  
X

So there I was. Hiding in the bushes. Holding a piece of string. Which was propped up under a stick under a big box. 

I was Austria hunting. Oh yeah.

I’d put Vienna sausages under the box as bait. Austria loves Vienna sausages! Apparently! You know, those little salty wieners that come in cans, in the same aisle as the Spam? Yeah, those. I mean, they have the word Vienna in them, and Vienna is a city in Austria, so I’m assuming he likes those things! Just like how Fucking is a city in Austria and he loves fucking. Well, at least according to Prussia he does.

“Hehehe …” I snickered. “Come and get it, Austria … you know you want those delicious sausages …”

As soon as he crawled under that box I was gonna pull the string, the stick would fall, making the box fall too, and then he’d be caught! Aw yeah! I felt like I was playing Pokemons or something. Gotta catch’em all!

Suddenly a wild England appeared. He popped into the bush with me, but he was missing some of his clothes.

“DUDE!” I duded. “HAHA! Where the hell is your shirt?”

England plopped on his butt. It didn’t look like he had much balance. “I … I have drank sooooo much …”  
God, he looked like shit. His shirt was gone, his zipper was down, his hair was a mess, he was missing one shoe, and I’m not sure but it looked like he might have pissed his pants too.

He held up a bottle of … something. It was in German so I couldn’t read it. “I wasn’ gonna come out here with you …” he slurred. “But then I found me some-a this … and … now I am all about the fuckin.’”

“Sweeeeet,” I said. “Because I need your help with the Fucking sign. It won’t come out of the Fucking ground! Prussia told me one way to get it but I don’t really feel like doing that, so if you know another way tell me, dude!”

“Heh … I didn’ say Fuckin’ the city ….” he drawled. “I meant … fuckin’ fuckin’.”

“Darn it. That was Prussia’s plan too!”

He went to take another sip of his drink, but then spit it out. “What? ! Prussia wanted to have sex with you? !”

“No, me with Austria.” LOL sex with Prussia. I wonder if the bird would stay on his shoulder and watch the whole time …

“Austria?” England made a face, then sighed. “Look … look, I gotta confess somethin’. I had this many shots so that I could have the courage to say it …”

“… is this really a good time for drama? Clearly I’m hunting myself some Austria.”

“Jus’ listen to me!” Jeez, drunk England is bossy … “God … shit … I had this whole speech planned on the Fucking plane ride … and now I can’t even remember it.”

“Haha! You’re so drunk.”

“So I guess I’ll jus’ haveta improvise …”

“Haha! You sound so silly right now.”

“I love you, America.”

“Haha! You’re in love with me.”

“Why’re you laughin’?! I’m pourin’ my heart out here! You don’ know how hard this was to confess!”  
Just then, I heard a noise. “Whoa, what was that?”

“Don’ change the subject!” slurred England, getting all emotional. “I love you! I’ve loved you since the 1700’s and I can’t keep my feelings to myself anymore!”

“Dude, I wasn’t even legal then … what the eff … you’re lucky Chris Hansen isn’t here. He’d make you take a seat.”

“I’d take a million seats if it meant I could be with you!” sobbed very drunk England.

Then I heard the noise again. I looked, and Austria was by my trap! HEHEHE! Game on!

“Shhh,” I hushed England. “We’ll deal with your drama later. Right now I have an Austria to catch.”

Austria had his hands on his hips and was looking at my sausages. 

“That’s right …” I whispered. “Come on … get those wieners … those delicious, delicious wieners …”

“Hmmph!” said Austria. “Vat kind of person would leave such a thing out in my city like this? Such an ugly contraption. Vat an eyesore!”

Oh noes! He doesn’t like my Vienna sausages! And here I was so sure that would work. Damn, I should have went with the Bloomin’ Onion! WHAT WAS I THINKING? ! With a koala burger or something and a can of Foster’s because that’s Austrian for beer. That would have lured him for sure!

“Now I just gotta pretend to rape him and he’ll give me the sign,” I said. “Dang. I don’t even know how I’m gonna do this. I can’t get hard when all I’m thinking about is Fucking. And its sign.”

“Forget Austria,” said England after taking another swig of alcohol. “Your plan … is bollocks. Especially when you can have me back at the Fuckin’ hotel.”

“Shut up, England.” I was looking at Austria through some binoculars like a boss. “I’m trying to concentrate.”

“Heh … we don’ even have to wait until the hotel. We can do it in this Fuckin’ bush, if ya want,” he slurred, then licked the little bit of alcohol still on his lips.

“Oh my gosh. England. LOOK.” Austria was bending over to look at the sausages! SCORE! He was so close … just a little bit more, and I could pull the string …

“Ugh!” said Austria. “Who put these filthy veiners here? They do not belong on the ground below my glorious Fucking sign!”  
Filthy? FILTHY? ! My sausage is NOT filthy! I squeezed the juice it came in out and everything! You know? From the can? I wrung those wieners dry!

Austria was curling his lip like he was grossed out. “However shall I dispose of such filthy things?”

Yeah, no. There was no way I was gonna get hard like this. My dick was softer than a Pillow Pet. LOL you guys seen those? You fold them up and they’re a stuffed animal, and you unfold them and they’re a pillow! IT’S SO COOL! I got a ladybug one.

“How am I gonna get hard like this …” I whined. “Gosh darn it! I’m never gonna get that sign!”  
“Heh …” England was smirking. “I know a way to get ya hard.”

I glanced over to him. “Yeah? How? You got some Viagra on you or something, old man?”

“Drop yer pants. I’ll show ya.”

I looked back over to Austria. He was circling around my sausage box, hands on his hips, bitching about it. He kept going on and on and making clicking noises with his tongue like “TSK!” Damn. The clock was ticking. He wouldn’t be there much longer. He’d throw away my trap and wieners and leave and then I’d never get my Fucking sign! And I didn’t come all the way out on this Fucking trip to leave empty-handed!

I turned and faced England. “What are you gonna do?”

“You’ll see …” he slurred.

“This better work,” I said as I started to undo my pants. “I am NOT leaving without that Fucking sign!”  
England chugged the bottle. He actually finished off the entire thing and threw the empty bottle on the ground. “Ahh!” he said after his last gulp. “That was some good … whatever that was.”

I was on my knees, now in my boxers. “You are sooooo drunk.”

“I am. But that’s okay … you’ll enjoy my lack of inhi … inhibi …” England just couldn’t get the word out. “Inhi … damnit, I’m gonna suck you off, alright?”

“This might not be the best time to tell you, England … but I haven’t showered in like three whole DAAAAAAAAA-“ My voice went higher than Justin Beiber’s with his hairless balls in a vice grip. Because England had grabbed my cock.

And I don’t mean like he gently took it in his hand or even reached for it normally. No, he practically YANKED me by the dick. I was actually scared he’d rip it off!

“GAHH NOT SO ROUGH!”

“Sorry …” he slurred. “I don’ got good hand-eye coordin … ation right now.”

Uh … that might be a problem. That’s a delicate area. “Do you have good mouth-to-dick coordination?”

He was still holding my dick a little too tight. “I dunno. I guess we’ll see, huh?”

Aw, man. This did not sound promising. I winced as he leaned down and gave it the first lick. I was so scared he was gonna fuck this up. He was drunk out of his mind. 

“Watch the teeth, watch the teeth!” I said as he sloppily slid my cock in his mouth. Still flaccid, by the way.

“Sowwy,” he slurred over my dick. 

I held onto some twigs or something in the bush for leverage. I’d never gotten a blowjob from a drunk person before! It was a little more enthusiastic than a normal one but pretty sloppy. England was just kinda slurping and licking around. I was gradually getting hard but kept popping out of his mouth, and then he’d lazily grab me again after a couple tries (his hand would miss the first couple times) and push me back in.

“My dick is not a Fudgesicle,” I said to England. “Quit being weird about this!” Seriously! He was practically devouring me, like how I eat a drippy, melting ice cream cone or a Dreamsicle or a Nutty Buddy or – HNNNGGGHH yes now I want a Nutty Buddy so bad! You guys remember them things? Oh God, I’d do unspeakable things for a Nutty Buddy. Terrible, filthy things. Or was that a Klondike Bar? Mmm yeah, Klondike Bars …

But apparently some part of me (i.e. my cock) liked it. Because the more he slobbered all over me, the harder I got, until I had a quite the raging boner. Then it didn’t quite fit in his mouth anymore, so he was back to his sloppy licking.

“Okay, I’m plenty hard,” I said. “You can stop now.”

“Mmm.” England didn’t stop. In fact, he sucked the cockhead back in his mouth.

I gasped. “E-England … all I needed was a boner, remember? You’re not supposed to finiiiiii—“

I couldn’t finish the word ‘finish.’ LOL irony. 

England took in my entire length. YEAH MY WHOLE COCK! Which is a lot, by the way. Several inches. I purposely got hard this one time, found myself a ruler, lined it up with the ruler, and measured myself just to make sure. I was SO excited at first because I was certain I was breaking a record with 13 inches. 13 inches, you guys! Then I realized I was looking at the centimeters side instead of inches and was like CRAP. Damn you metric system! ! Trolling me like that.

I probably should have told England to stop deep-throating me. After all, he was only supposed to get me hard so that I could pretend to rape Austria so that I could get that Fucking sign. That was the plan. The whole reason I came to Fucking. But when your cock is sliding in and out of a warm, wet hole you stop thinking about Fucking. You think about other things.

England was making these weird noises. Wet, smacky, swallowing type noises. Then they became garbled kinda sputtering noises.

“Fucking makes you do crazy things, huh England?” I asked. “I’m trying to decide if we should come here again or not.”  
England slid my cock out of his mouth just long enough to say – no, demand, “Come.” 

“If I come I won’t be able to get the Fucking sign. I mean, it’s not very good ‘rape’ with a softie!”

“’s’alright,” he slurred. “I want you to come in my mouth … I wanna swallow you …” Then he popped my cock back in his mouth.

“What the … don’t distract me from my mission! I came to Fucking with one thing on my mind! ONE THING! And that thing is a sign.”

Suddenly England started choking. He coughed up my cock, spit it out, and covered his mouth as he hacked. 

“Dude … you okay?”

Then I realized he was gagging. He heaved and threw up. All over that Fucking bush. All his upchucked nasty British food (was that fish and chips?) spewed everywhere. It’s even grosser the second time around!

“Eew …”

He spit the last bit out, then wiped his mouth. “S-sorry …”

“HOLY CRAP, you are drunk.”

“I … I know …” England spit out a little more. “But I’ll still finish … if ya want …”

“Umm …”

“VAT WAS THAT NOISE? !”

That was Austria. Oh yeah. He was in this story, wasn’t he? Blowjobs sure are distracting!

“Who’s there? !” Austria yelled in our direction. “I demand you show yourself at once!”

I glanced over to England. “England, you chillax for a bit. Sleep it off. I gots some business to take care of, okey?”

England collapsed on his back. He was totally out of it. “Urrrrggghh ….” he mumbled.

 

“Alright,” I said to myself, getting all determined. “It’s show time.”

With that, I dramatically popped out of the bush, and exclaimed, “IT WAS MEEEEEEEEEE!”

Austria startled, putting his hand over his chest. “Good lord! You scared me.” Then he looked down. “Vere are your pants? !”

“Around my ankles!” I said proudly.

“Vell yes, but obviously I meant VY?”

Vy? What the hell is that? Oh yeah. Why. “Because I’m here to – pfft – ‘rape’ you.” I winked and went like this ;D

“VAT? ! You vill do no such thing!”

Prussia told me he’d play hard to get! Of course, I knew this was just an act. He wanted this. It was his favorite. I mean, that’s what Prussia said so it’s gotta be true! Besides, if Austria didn’t want it he’d just say the safe word: Beethoven. Oh, Beethoven. I thought it was so cute how you found a girl dog and had babies. That was the sequel. 

“Mein Gott!” exclaimed Austria. “Not only are your trousers down but you are fully erect as vell! Vat is the meaning of this? !”

“I told you! I’m here to ‘rape’ you!” I did those air quote things with my fingers when I said that.

“Vy on Earth would you vant to do that? !”

“It says so right here.” I gestured to the sign. “Fucking.”

“It’s a city name! Not a command!”

“Oh, right. And every stop sign is at a city called Stop, right? Not too far from the neighboring city of Yield! And who could forget the lovely No U Turn? What a beautiful town!” I started cracking up because I am damn funny. “Pffft, seriously! Come on, dude.”

I pulled up my pants just enough to be able to walk without tripping all over myself. “Now here’s what’s gonna happen,” I said, walking toward him. With each step his eyes got little wider. Like from o_o to O_O “I’m gonna pin you down, and then we’ll have a little wrestle, m’kay? We’ll roll around and then I’ll get your pants down, we’ll bang this out, and then you can give me the sign. Okey dokey?”  
Then I winked again ;)

“You most certainly vill not!”

Boy, Austria sure gets into character! He’s a good actor. Suck on that, Cuba Gooding Jr. “Now let’s do this before I lose my boner.”

“Vat the hell is wrong vith you? !”

Oh crap. I was doing this wrong, wasn’t I? I wasn’t supposed to tell him I was faking raping! I was just supposed to do it! Right? Aw, snap. I hope this doesn’t affect whether or not he gives me the Fucking sign …  
So then I decided to use my great acting skills. Y’all know I’m the best, right? Hollywood blood flows through these veins. Bitches.

“RAAAAAR!” I exclaimed, waving my arms. “I AM A BAD RAPER GUY!”

Don’t be jealous of my glorious acting skills, you guys. Improv, even. I am the master.

“VAT – oof!” Austria was on his back before he could say let’s throw some shrimp on the barbie. Because I tackled him to the Fucking ground! 

We were right under the Fucking sign. Perfect spot. He was on his back, and I was straddling over him, my pants down.

“BOOOOO!” I shouted. “OOOOOOOO – oh shit, that’s a ghost. Pfft, oops. What sound does a raper make?”

“Rapist,” said Austria. Damn grammar Nazi.

“Sorry if I’m being too scary with my impressive skills,” I said. “Just remember the safe word! Because safety first! Ooh, speaking of which, you got any condoms?”

Austria was struggling underneath me. But under my heavy bulk (OF MUSCLES NOT FAT, YOU GUYS) there was no escape. “Of course not!”

Wait, do rapers use condoms? Or do they just bareback it? I’m kind of a rape newbie so I don’t know all these things yet. If only my football hero Ben Roethlisberger was here to advise me …

“Oh well,” I said, shrugging. “That’s what they made penicillin for, right? For when your penis is illin’. That’s how they got the name. True story.”

Austria squirmed beneath me. “Is this a joke? Am I on one of your moronic America hidden camera shows?”  
Hmm. I never saw the episode of Candid Camera where they almost raped somebody … LOL, can you imagine? Some guy pinning some poor unsuspecting victim down, they’re traumatized, maybe crying, then they go “SURPRISE! YOU’RE ON CANDID CAMERA!” What a sick, sick joke that would be. Am I right?

Good thing Austria secretly wanted it. Or this would be pretty fucked up! Fucked up in Fucking.  
I reached for the top of Austria’s pants and started to undo them. “Boy, it sure has been a while since I got laid. How about you?”

Austria just looked back at me with this look. He was he PISSED. Like seething mad, you guys. You could practically see the puffs of angry air coming out of him. Like he was an angry steamboat or something.

“Oops! Sorry, I broke character again! Haha! I suck at this, huh?” No wonder Austria was mad! I was probably ruining his fantasy. His sick, twisted fantasy. 

I got those pants undone. Austria was trying to back away, but I yanked him back under me, and tugged down his pants. “Dude, I think you need some new underwear,” I said as I finished pulling his pants off his legs. “Yours got patched up holes on them!”

“Hmmph! I’ll have you know I regard frugality in the highest—“

“All you gotta do is go on down to Wal-mart. They’re like two bucks for a pound of underwear.”

“Ugh, you sell it by the pound?”

What’s wrong with that? Everything in bulk! Clothes, food, hemorrhoid cream, whatever you need! Costco had it right all along, y’all.

I got Austria’s underwear off and tossed it aside. Like, literally tossed it. Balled it up and threw it over my shoulder. 

Austria got pissed. “I always neatly fold my undergarments!”

Even during rape fantasy role play? And here I thought he was taking this serious …

“This is how I roll,” I said. “Deal with it.”

“Hmmph,” he scoffed.

Austria tried to struggle away from me again, but I held him down. I pinned him down with my awesome muscles. 

“Don’t bother struggling,” I said. “You know about my super strength. It’s pointless.”

;D

(Getting into character, you guys!)

Austria squirmed a little more, realizing how right I really was. Because he barely budged. So he sighed and gave up. “I see. I suppose trying to fight you off vould be a vasted effort after all.”

This is how Austria talks during his fantasy? Really? Really? I was expecting a more enthusiastic reaction, ya know? I mean, not like “OH BOY YOU’RE FAKE RAPING ME THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE! ! (insert ‘gasm face here)” but still. More than … whatever this is.

Oh well. Maybe he just needed to get more into it. Now that both our pants were down, the next step was to lube up. Too bad I didn’t have any lube! I didn’t bring any. I didn’t think I’d need lube for Fucking! I just came for that sign, remember?

I thought about using the juice I squeezed out from those Vienna sausages. Made sense, right? Wet and delicious. But then after thinking it over, I decided it wasn’t a good idea. Gotta watch my sodium intake, y’all.

So instead I just hawked a big loogie in my hand. You know … the kind of spit you get from way back in your throat that’s also mixed with some snot, because your nose and mouth are connected? That slimy stuff. It works well for lube. I assume.

I pushed Austria’s legs apart. He was still on his back, now with his legs spread at an awkward angle by me. With my slicked, snotty hand, I poked one finger inside.

“Hmmph,” Austria said snobbishly, now crossing his arms. “This is most undignified.”

“How undignified is two fingers?” I pulled my first finger out, and was about to return with two but …

“It is detestable!”

Which made me stop. This was supposed to be a rape fantasy. Rapers don’t warm up and prepare their victims, right? I was doing it wrong! 

Again! Darn, if only I had a book or something to help me rape better! Kobe Bryant should totally get on that. 

“Oh, I get it.” Wink wink. “You want it rough, don’tcha? You want it to hurt? Alright. Whatever gets your rocks off, dude – I MEAN … crap -- sorry, I broke character again, haha!”

Suddenly Austria had something in his mouth. I didn’t know what it was or where it came from. Until he blew it.

SCHREEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEE

And then my ears were bleeding.  
“  
Whoa, dude,” I said, now almost deaf. “I thought you were good at music and all that … but that was godawful.”

“It’s not an instrument.” SCHREEEEEEEEEEEE. “It’s a vhistle.”

“TCH! Whatever. A whistle is an instrument.”

“It is a rape vhistle.”

SCHREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

“Yeah, it’s raping my ears! God, knock it off!”

SCHREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Austria spit out the whistle. “Oh, vy am I bothering …?” he sighed. “No one vill come. No one ever comes.”

“HAHA! Whoa, how often do you do this?”

Austria looked away. “All the time. Prussia forces himself on me so often it doesn’t affect me very much anymore. It’s more of an annoyance than anything else.”

“HAHAHA WHAT? !”

Prussia and Austria have rape role play sex all the time? ! God, who knew! Well, I guess all the people of Fucking. No wonder it’s called that! That’s all kinds of kinky.

“It’s true,” said Austria. “So do vat you vill. I vill lie back and not fight you. Just know that I do not approve. I simply know it is beyond my power to stop you.”

“Heh …” I said. “You sure didn’t put up much of a fight.” He must secretly be eager, right you guys?

I grabbed my cock with one hand. It was going soft. I mean, not all the way. Like it was half-hard. Somewhere in between. Y’all know what I mean. I pumped it with the hand covered in my loogie. Had to bring it back!

“I just ask that you do not soil my ascot,” said Austria. “I vill be very upset if you do!”

“FUCK YO ASCOT!” said a voice in a nearby bush.

“Who vas that?” asked Austria, all startled. As if surprise buttsecks hadn’t startled him enough …

“I dunno. It didn’t sound like England.”

Wait. Why was I thinking about England while I was getting ready to put it in? I was literally lining myself up with Austria’s entrance and that thought came to me. Jeez. I needed to get it together and concentrate!

I made myself think of not-England and pushed in. In one powerful thrust I entered him fully. He wanted it rough, so it was rough. Barely any lube. So much more … uh … frictiony… than I’m used to.

“My goodness!” said Austria, who looked very appalled. “I cannot believe you really entered me.”

“Uh …” 

What a shitty actor! Seriously! NO ONE talks like that during a role play! And he’s had practice! Tons of it, apparently. Oh well. I’ll still keep up my end of the deal. Because I actually am a good actor. And if he wants a big scary raper guy, I would pretend to be that big scary raper guy! “Uh, yeah I did! RARRRR I AM SCARY!”

Nailed it.

But I couldn’t just talk the talk. I had to walk the walk. No, wait. I mean thrust the thrust. Or rape the … rapee.

Damnit. I started fucking him, OKAY? !

“Ah!” winced Austria. “So rough!”

“That’s usually how these things go!” I said, thrusting away. “I assume!”

So there we were. Under the Fucking sign, doing what the sign said to do. Fucking. The actual verb this time! I was roughly banging him, totally putting the “non” in “nonconsensual” (WINK WINK!). And he was just lying there, arms crossed, looking super annoyed.  
Of course, I knew he secretly enjoyed it, or else he’d just say the safe word! Beethoven! Hehe, that dog liked to steal food.

“Tsk,” he said, glancing at his watch. “How much longer is this going to take? I have a cake I need to bake.”

“PFFFT!” I cracked up. “You rhymed!” Y’all heard that? ! Austria is a poet and he didn’t even know it! OH SNAP! You see what I see there? I did that on purpose, hehe.

“Although my musical forte is notes, I am also known as quite the lyricist,” said Austria. “Though I must admit. That was an accident.”

I gave him one especially hard thrust. “That wasn’t.”

“AH!” he yelped. “You’re such a brute!”

“Well, that’s how you like it sooooo …” I muttered. “Also, can I have some of your cake?”

“You may certainly NOT! Vy vould I give a rapist cake? !” He was glaring at me hardcore. “And I was being serious. Are you close to being done or not? !”

“Hmmm ….” I was still very much going at it. You know. Like THRUST THRUST THURST. But … “Normally, I don’t last all that long, to be honest. Don’t tell anyone, haha!”

Austria fanned himself with his hand. “Oh, thank heavens.”

“Buttttttt …”

“Oh Lord, there’s a but?”

“… all this talking and this unsexy situation and the fact that’s it you – I’m having a hard time getting off.” 

“Mein gott!” he exclaimed. “You initiated this! Vat is wrong with you? !”

“Maybe if I think of something really sexy I’ll cum faster …” I said, thinking really hard. “Let’s see … what’s sexy …” My mind was blanking.  
“You got any ideas, dude?”

But Austria just glared back at me. Like > :(

“Well, FINE. You don’t gotta be a jerk about it.”

I was thinking really hard when all of a sudden I felt something on my shoulder. I looked over to see that a small yellow bird had landed on me.

“OH MY GOD!” I exclaimed. “WITTLE BIRDY! YOU CAME BACK!”

Austria rolled his eyes. “So it was Prussia who put you up to this, vasn’t it?”

But I didn’t care about Austria anymore (even though I was still pounding the hell out of him.) 

“YOU’RE SO CUUUUUTE! AWWW! DID YOU WANT THAT CHIPPY AFTER ALL? HUH? HUH? ? NO WAIT!”

Just then I realized. He was right there. Before he denied me the privilege but now I could finally do it.

“I’M SO GONNA PET YOU NOW!” And then I did. Reached my hand over and went PET PET right on his little birdy head. Aww, he was soft! “YESSSSS I PETTED YOU! God, you’re cute! I’m gonna call you … Mr. Peep!” Because he looked like a marshmallow peep, you guys! Y’all remember those? From Easter time? I nom on them the whole holiday. Happy birthday, Jesus!

“HIS NAME IS GILBIRD!” yelled a voice from the same bush as before.

Hmm. I like Mr. Peep better, but whatever.

“I knew it!” said Austria. “That voice from earlier was Prussia! How dare he speak of my ascot in such a manner!”

“Shut up about your dang ascot already …”

“Prussia vatching me being sodomized against my vill …” grumbled Austria. “What a disgusting voyeur. You’re all horrible lechers!” 

“All?” I asked, still banging away.

“I included the bird as vell!”

“Hey, don’t be dissin’ Gilbird!” said Prussia’s voice at the exact same time I said “Hey, don’t be dissin’ Mr. Peep!”

I patted Mr. Peep again. I’m good at multitasking. ‘Raping’ and petting animals at the same time. Don’t be jealous of my skillz, y’all. “He’s a good wittle birdy.”

“Then vy is he on your shoulder?” asked Austria.

“Because … um ….” I stopped thrusting as I thought. “Uh …. BECAUSE I’M COOL SHUT UP!” And then I resumed fucking him, but even harder then.

“AHH …” groaned Austria. “Th-that is quite painful …”

Well, that’s how he wanted it, right? I didn’t hear any safe word, soooooo …

“Please hurry and finish,” he said, squirming. “Y-you’re rougher than Prussia. It’s … it’s hard to bear.”

“HA! I heard he has five meters. WELL, HOW CAN YOU HANDLE MY THIRTEEN centiMETERS?” I said ‘centi’ really quietly and faked a cough during it. Hopefully he didn’t hear that part, haha!

“Please,” scoffed Austria. “Prussia is not five meters.”

“Five meters is long, right?” I whispered. “I don’t know the metric system so I don’t actually know.”

Austria rolled his eyes. “… vould you just finish, please?”

“YOU finish!” I said defensively. “I’m doing this for you!”

“… you are a sick person.”

“KESESESESESE!” laughed Prussia from the bush. What a weird laugh …

Just then I felt something warm and wet on my shoulder. My first thought was OH GOD THAT BIRD JUST CRAPPED ON ME! But then I realized that it was my other shoulder. I looked over and saw England hunched over, putting his mouth on me.

“ENGLAND? !” I startled. 

“Mmm …” Wow, was he DRUNK! He couldn’t even stand. He was using me for leverage. I think he was trying to … actually, I dunno what he was trying to do. Necking, maybe? But it was my shoulder. He was just kinda putting his mouth on me. And drooling on me. Like, all over.

“Um, can’t you see I’m a little busy right now?” I asked.

“Couldn’ help myself …” he slurred. “Watchin’ you from the bush … oh, fuck … even with someone else, I …”

“You what?”

“… got horny.”

“You were already horny.”

“This is NOT a peep show!” said Austria, crossing his arms again. “You voyeurs make me sick!”

“Mr. Peep is here so it is a Peep show,” I said, stating the obvious.

England lost the little balance he did have. He collapsed against my back and I was holding pretty much all his weight. It totally threw off my rhythm!

“I wanna be more than just a voyeur …” said England. I felt something hard rub into my back.

“England, you’re drunk!” I said, getting annoyed because he was screwing up my plan for getting the sign. “Go back to the Fucking hotel room and wait for me!”

“Can’t wait …” England grinded his hips into me from behind. I felt it again – something hard and firm pressing into my back. If you’re guessing it’s his erection, congratulations, YOU’RE RIGHT!

“You should listen to him,” said Austria, turning his nose up all snobbishly. “You two perverts can keep each other entertained and leave me out of it.”

England licked sloppily at my neck. Like leaving spit everywhere. Then he pulled his tongue away and growled, “Yeah … listen to him.”

“NO!” I shouted. “I came here for that Fucking sign and I’m getting that Fucking sign if it’s the last thing I do in Fucking!”

“Come onnn …” slurred England. “Forget that Fuckin’ sign. WE should fuck. All Fuckin’ night long.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOO!” I whined. I stopped thrusting into Austria. I couldn’t concentrate. It was just too much going on a once.

England couldn’t have been more obvious about his boner pressing into me. It was like impossible to ignore. He was really grinding it into me. Isn’t it hard to get a boner when you’re drunk? England must have been pretty damn horny, still being able to not only get one, but get one as hard as a rock …

“Let me fuck you …” he whispered into my ear. “I’ll make you feel so good … you’ll cum so hard … trus’ me … “

The grinding turned to thrusting. England dry humped me from behind. It was very clumsy dry humping (because wow was he DRUNK!) but dry humping nonetheless.

“Vat the …” started Austria, but never finished. He looked horrified. Well … even more than before.

“You’ll love my cock …” continued drunk England. “… it-it’ll fill you up … hit your sweet spot … stretch and satisfy you … all fifteen centimeters … all for you … ”

“FIFTEEN? !”

Pssh. Yeah right. There’s no way he’s bigger than me. He must be lying.

… right? D:

“Pull out and bend over …” England slurred, still thrusting into my back through our clothes. “So I can fuck you proper.”

“Stop distracting me!”

“I can’t wait to see your face …” He was still furiously dry humping me … “When I make you pop … when I make you cum the hardest you ever have in your life …I’ve imagined it so many times whilst wankin’ to thoughts of you … oh God … I bet you look dopey and make a weird sound but that’s alright … it’ll be amazin’ … fuck …”

“England, you’re weird! I’m over here trying to get a Fucking sign, and you’re trying to picture my ‘gasm face? !”

“Picturin’ it … “ panted England. “… r-right now … oh … oh, shit …”

England suddenly jerked. He became very still and made a grunting noise.

“England?”

Then he collapsed against me.

“What the … did you just cum? !” I shoved him off of me. Why didn’t I do that in the first place? Oops … “You better not have gotten any on my shirt!”

England hit the ground and rolled onto his back. “Heh heh … shit, that felt good …” he said, smirking up at me.

“You need a new pair of pants.”

“Vat a vaste!” said Austria. “Just clean them! You needn’t get a new pair simply because of ejaculate.”

Oh yeah. Austria was in this story. Damn, I keep forgetting, haha! Welp, I better get back to fucking, eh? 

I was about to put it back in, but suddenly the little bird (yeah he was there the whole time!) flew away. 

“Mr. Peep!” I sobbed. “DON’T LEAVE ME!”

But he was jamming! Outta there like lightening. I watched him fly over to Prussia’s bush and then I saw Prussia running away too!

“WHOA, I’M OUTTA HERE!” yelled Prussia as he ran off. “PEACE!”

“Wait! Where are you going? !” I called after him. “Why are y’all leaving so suddenly? !”

Also suddenly, Austria got a big grin on his face. “Heh,” he scoffed. “You’re going to get it now.”

“Get what?” I asked. “Last I checked, you were getting i—“ BANG!

Things went black for a few seconds. When I came to, the back of my head was killing me.

“DUDE! What the hell was that?”

My vision came back and I saw a very angry looking woman. Holding a frying pan.

“Hit him again, Hungary,” said Austria, all cocky.

“Gladly!” Hungary held up the frying pan.

“HAHAHA! Oh, wow,” I said, cracking up. “Can you be anymore stereotypical? Really? A woman hitting me with a frying pan. HAHA! Get it? Because women belong in the kitchen? What’s next, you gonna vacuum me to death to? HAHAHA—“

 

BANG!

“OUCH!” Things were going black again. “You psycho chick, I was just joking!”

BANG!

And then I wasn’t very coherent anymore.

“I … just … wanted … Fucking … si—“

BANG!

And then I was knocked out.

X

The next morning, I enjoyed a nice cup of coffee. It was Fucking hotel room coffee, so it was kinda crappy, but I still enjoyed it. Any coffee is good if you put six packets of sugar in it. Just kidding! I used Splenda. Don’t wanna get the diabeetus. Wilfred Brimley taught me that, God rest his soul.

“Mornin’,” I said after a sip.

England was still under the covers. He stretched, but didn’t bother opening his eyes. “Ah, yes, it’s morning, isn’t it?”

Sluuuuurp. I like slurping my coffee. “Yep. Sure is.”

“I have such a hangover …” said England. “My head hurts so badly.”

I crawled back into the bed beside him. Ooh, yay. It was still warm under the covers. “Yeah, mine too. The back of it is killing me.”

“Let’s sleep a little longer …”

“My ass hurts like a bitch too.”

“…”

“Gosh, I don’t remember anything after Hungary hit me with that frying pan!”

“…”

“Do you?”

“… um … n-no?”

“Why are we in the same bed, anyway?”

 

England still wouldn’t look at me. “… well … let me explain — I mean, I don’t remember! Stop interrogating me!”

Just then, I realized it. “Oh … my … GOD …”

England quickly sat up. “What? !”

“England … I can’t believe it …”

He looked nervous. “Look! I’m sorry! I couldn’t help mys—“

“I NEVER GOT THAT FUCKING SIGN!”

England sighed. “Phew … thank God.”

But I started sobbing. I buried my head in the pillow and bawled like Italy on a battlefield. “WHYYYYY? !” I sobbed. “It’s all I wanted! M-my dreams! They’re ruined!”

England rubbed my back. “There, there. It’s okay.”

“NOOOOOO IT’S NOT!” I cried. “THIS IS THE WORST EVERRRRRRRRR!”

I cried for hours :’(

X  
ONE WEEK LATER

I sat on the balcony and watch the sunset on the city below me. It was just starting to light up below, as the streetlamps flipped on and the motorists switched on their headlights. A beautiful little city, really.

“Nice, isn’t it?” asked England as he opened the balcony door. He took a seat next to me.

“Mmmyep.”

“You like looking at my Nob End?”

I shrugged. “Yeah. Not quite sure why you invited me here, but it’s a pretty town, I guess.”

“Hmm.”

I was flipping through photos from our Fucking trip. Some were of the Fucking sites, but most of them were me with Austria … or me with England …

You know. Sexually.

“I heard Austria had Hungary knock Prussia out with the frying pan, too,” I said, still looking through the pictures. “Then they went home and Austria cried like a pussy and Hungary had to hold him while he cried, HAHA isn’t that gay?”

England raised an eyebrow. “Hmm.”

“At least one of these pictures is of the Fucking sign. I guess I can enlarge it and put it over my bed instead of the real thing.”

 

“Who took these pictures?”

“…”

“America?”

“I … don’t know.”

That was weird …

“Well …” He glanced away. “I hope you take lots of pictures of my Nob End as well.”

“I will if I feel like it.”

“Well … you want to remember it, don’t you? So you have something to remember it by when you can’t have the real thing.”

“Uh … riiiight …”

“You said it yourself you think my Nob End is beautiful! Right?”

“Fine, whatever!”

“So you like looking at it, right?”

“I guess ….”

“So you could say my Nob End gives you pleasure, correct?”

Wait a minute. I see what’s going on here …

“You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?” I asked.

“Heh heh …” he chuckled. “Let’s just say my Nob End is always open for business, yeah?”

I was shocked! I didn’t know what to say so I just went :O

Which made England smirk. “And apparently so is your delicious mouth.”

:I  
(The end!)


End file.
